My Faith Story: Does it Have a Happy Ending?

We learned in school that stories are supposed to have a beginning, middle & end. A well-told story will have characters and a plot, with rising action, a climax, and descending action.

 

This short story of my faith is not like that. There are characters, but the plot is completely muddled. It starts strong; the middle gets really repetitive, and I have no idea where the end is going. 

 

Beginning: I was born into a strong, loving, grounded family. Being number 4 of 5 kids, I adored my older siblings, considered my parents perfect, and loved the conservative Christian community I was surrounded by. It was natural to raise my hand when the elderly backyard Bible study leader, Mrs. McCandless, asked, “Who wants to ask Jesus in their heart?” I think I was 6 at the time. Four years later I was baptized in front of hundreds of people, to whom I said, “I believe Jesus is the way to God, and I will follow Him forever.”

I’m grateful for that beginning.

 

Middle: My faith was first challenged when I was in Jr. High.

I met a boy. Doesn’t the story always start that way?! Justin was also from a conservative Christian family, but he was “rebellious.” He started asking me questions about my faith. Questions I couldn’t answer. And, once he became my boyfriend, I decided it was interesting to live in his “world.”

 

The black nails, black clothes, and dark eyeliner were a shocking contrast to the sweet Katie I had been. But, the greatest difference was my faith. I was intrigued and sucked into this other way of living — getting to do “bad” things (relatively mild to most: smoking, making out, listening to Motley Crue). God was just a killjoy for such activities, so I put God on the back shelf.

 

But then it got scary.

The friends I had made weren’t just smoking cigarettes anymore. They were doing heavy drugs and getting into dark activities. It didn’t seem fun anymore. I wanted out.

 

So, I repented. I cried a lot and prayed a lot. I cut off all my old friendships and started over. In high school I joined the Bible club; I became a  leader at my church's youth group: I went to Christian camps. I was IN.

 

But then, I met a boy.

This time I was a senior in high school. I was considered a spiritual leader on campus and was serious about my relationship with God. But, this boy was cute and fun and “rebellious.” Tyler didn't even claim to follow Jesus. And, I fell for him. But, I was riddled with guilt. I couldn’t enjoy our secret relationship. It was dirty, dishonest, and really exciting.

 

I would purposely push down the voice of the Holy Spirit in me. I didn’t want to hear it. Even though I knew I didn’t really love this boy and didn’t want to be with him long-term, I wanted the secret pleasures of our relationship. But, God didn’t let go of me. Spirit kept whispering.

After months away from Tyler at college I could see I actually didn’t want this relationship, so it fizzled out. But, I was still pursuing silly things while at college (which was a challenge due to all the rules at my small conservative Chrisitan college).

 

But, this other thing was happening to me.

I had to take Old Testament Survey. That sounded really boring. But, it became my favorite class. The professor was answering some of the questions my Jr. High boyfriend had challenged me with.

 

I can vividly remember questioning a theological issue and marching up to Dr. Bookman after class. I don’t even remember what the issue was anymore. And it doesn’t matter. Because what stood out to me was the posture of Bookman. He listened to my question (remember I'm a Freshman college kid) and looked me straight in the eye, and said, “That’s a really great point. I’ll have to think about that.” I was floored. He didn’t have the answer?! He had a Ph.D. in Old Testament Biblical Studies or something impressive like that.

 

I was softened. And I slowly started wanting God again. And by the next school year, I was all IN again. Leading Bible studies, going on mission trips, etc.

 

And here is where the story gets really repetitive.

I used to think I would tell you the next part of my story in the past tense; meaning, I am “over” my doubting and wandering. But we’ve made it to the present tense part of my life.

 

Here’s what I do: I dive deep into my spirituality; I seek to know and deeply love God and the Bible. I become overwhelmed by Spirit. And then…a doubt comes in. Or, a passage of Scripture really bothers me. Or I get disappointed with Christians. Or I get really impressed with other spiritual paths.

So, to take you to the “end”- since every good story has an end.

 

End: I always thought this faith struggle would end someday. And, maybe it will, but it hasn’t yet, and I don’t have great reason to believe it will.

 

But here’s the thing. God has never let me go. Despite my efforts otherwise.

 

It actually reminds me of my relationship with Caleb. You know, marriage is supposed to be a picture of Christ and the church. It reminds me of when Caleb and I were dating. Every time I broke up with him, he lovingly took me back. Every time I doubted we should be together — once I had some space — no one else actually did seem better. And now that we’re married, every time I am inconsiderate and difficult, he forgives me.

 

That’s like God. He keeps taking me back no matter how many times I break up with him. The Scriptures that have caused me so much confusion and frustration have also brought me the deepest peace and sense of truth.

 

So, how will this relationship with God “end?” I suspect it will continue to be rocky. I will have new questions and struggles. And then God will have new mercy and grace.

____________________________________________________

Is God Killing Us?

I get chills when Emilie voices this haunting question, “Is God killing us for questioning our faith?”  Two of her best friends died young, tragic deaths within a couple years of each other. They both left their faith tradition before they died. 

 

It pains my heart she ever felt compelled to wonder this because my experience has been that questioning my faith can lead to life. Doubt can strengthen faith; leaving can bring you closer than ever.

 

I think some circles discourage doubt and questioning because it feels safer. If we all think the same “right” doctrines the institution works. The group can be controlled. This was the way in Emilie and her friend's churches.

 

From experience, I can say it felt really good to believe the one right thing. It was so secure and confidence-inspiring…until I started to question.

 

I’d like to propose that God is not shocked by our confusion and anger at certain Scriptures.

 

I’m not saying God doesn’t care about our doubts, frustrations, and concerns about faith and life. I’m saying God cares so much that we are given the room, space, and time to work them out.

 

By " working them out," I don’t mean eventually we’ll agree with what our parents or pastors taught us (although that might happen). I mean, we get to work them out in real life. Test them. See, over time, what new information emerges.

 

Maybe our understanding of God will need to shift. Maybe we will find new interpretations of frustrating scriptures. Maybe Spirit will prove to be so sweet and present when we most need it that our faith will be renewed, and the questions will seem less important.

 

And maybe not. Maybe the questioning and doubt will never end. But my experience has been that Truth and Love have a way of working on our souls.

—

Did God kill my friends? If so, then I certainly should be dead as well.

 

Yet, my experience is that God has been kind, patient, and gracious with my questioning. Even when my questions were not humble and faith-filled.

 

Why did God allow them to die? I don’t know. And I’m not sure it’s the right question. But what I do know is that God is a God of new life, forgiveness, long-suffering, and resurrection.

 

I hope my kids never wonder if God is punishing them for their questions and deep doubts. I hope they believe they can wrestle with God as Jacob (the father of the Jews) did. I pray they remember all the Torah heroes who made horrible immoral choices, and God still chose and used them.

 

I hope they dig in deeper when they have doubts. I believe that God and Scripture will be able to stand the barrage.

 

Our doubts and disagreements with God don’t kill us. In fact, they often save us.